Through Tinted Glass...

I am a sunglass whore.

Wait, that's probably a bad way of putting it, much less starting a post. Rest assured, I don't give out sexual favors for sunglasses (or to sunglasses, for that matter). However, I do have an absurd amount of perfectly usable yet unused sunglasses, defunct only due to my desire for a new pair. I know someone who said that they haven't gotten a new pair of sunglasses in six years. My average rate, however, is about one every six months. These purchases tend to be around Christmas and my birthday (June 5th). What's more, I can spend anywhere from a half-hour to two hours to pick out the right pair. So, let me start again.

I am a sunglass connoisseur.

I wear sunglasses when it's sunny, I wear sunglasses when it's cloudy, I wear sunglasses when it's raining, and I occasionally wear sunglasses at night. However, I almost never wear them indoors. That's just improper.

As someone intimately connected with sunglasses, I have very specific tastes. The best sunglasses (and I use the superlative universally) have several qualitities:
1. Reflective Lenses
2. Ability to fit snugly betwixt my cheeks and the juts of my brow
3. Wide sides, so as to block all views of my eyes
4. Horizontally streamlined design.

Essentially, wraparound mirrorshades.

And then, of course, they need to be the right size, weight, and balance; they have to be at least 99% UV resistant, and they can't be scratched easily. Oh, and they have to look good, too. (Can you get an idea of why it can take me upwards of two hours to choose a pair?)

Now, I have very strong opinions of other styles of sunglasses...most of them less than enthusiastic. As it turns out, ironically, the two styles I like the least are the two most popular nowadays. For men, it's those aviator sunglasses (you can't tell by looking at your screen, but I just shuddered right now) which makes them look like some sort of corrupt Alabama sheriff. And for women, it's those...I don't know what the hell they're called, but they're those oversized plastic novelty sunglasses that look like they came out of a Cracker Jack box. They seem to be very popular with the celebritites, and just about every other female 15-30. Do none of them realize how ridiculous it looks? And I don't think it's a coincidence that both of these styles are especially big.

...Where was I going with this again...?

Oh, yes, that's right! I need would like a new pair of sunglasses. Not necessarily for daily wear, but to have for special occasions. Unfortunately, I can't find them easily or affordably. Why not? I've always been able to easily find my favorite style before. Well, it's because...they're not like my favorite style.

"How shocking!"

I don't know how to aptly describe them without sounding, well, evil. It's a style that's often associated with Germany, and ye olden evil Germany at that. If you've seen the movie Pan's Labyrinth, you've seen these sunglasses worn by the (evil) Spanish captain in the movie. Here's a tiny picture. Can you see them?

No? Well, I can't see them very well, either. In fact, I had a hard time getting a good real picture. However, I do have a couple picture from a (somewhat evil) cartoon character that helps you see them a bit better:















So I think that gives a good idea of the style. I looked all over the web for these types of sunglasses, but other than $150 vintage sunglasses, all I can find are John Lennon-style glasses. While the Lennon variety may be close in design, they lack the kickassery and upper lens brace of these babies. Plus, they remind me too much of hippies.

So what's a guy to do? I guess owning these "evil" sunglasses will just be a fantasy until a) I'm absurdly rich and can have them custom-made, or b) I get a gig in a movie where my character wears "evil" sunglasses, and the director, instead of giving the props away in a charity auction, feels that my acting skills were good enough that I should keep them as a memento.

Until then, I'll have to keep my sunglass whoring, er, connoisseuring in check.