Here, kitty kitty...

Some of the news stories I enjoy hearing about most are those of new species being discovered. I'm not exactly sure why. It could possibly be because I take pleasure in hearing that despite all our latter-day technologies, we still managed to mistake or outright miss a creature that hasn't been found or documented before.

More likely, though, it's because new species always look awesome. It's always a bird with a spiraling beak or a marsupial with huge puppy eyes or something equally interesting. Every time I see a newly-discovered animal, I say, "I wants me one of those."

Such was the case with the most recently discovered animal, the beautiful creature below:


(If you click the image, you'll see the more complete, albeit smaller, picture.)

In the words of the late, great Steve Irwin, "Looka that! What a beauty!" This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Bornean Clouded Leopard. It was originally thought to be nothing more than "just another clouded leopard," but after some genetic testing was done, it turns out that this baby is as different from normal clouded leopards as a lion is to tiger.

What really sets this baby apart? It's teeth. More specifically, it has the largest fangs (2 inches long) in the modern cat world. In fact, only the mighty (and dead) saber-toothed tiger had longer fangs. Imagine the following: if you took your canine teeth (you know, those sharp little buggers that you like to run your tongue over [at least...at least I do]), and made them longer. Longer than they are now, longer than the vampiric teeth of the worker at Hot Topic, longer than the first two knuckles of your index finger. This is how long the new leopard's teeth are. Of course, it's teeth are larger for it's body size, which is only 35 inches long. That means for someone my height, my incisors would have to be over four inches long, almost jutting down past my goatee. Those are intense teeth.

What's really a shame is that this beautiful cat is being hunted not only for its pelt, but also because it's teeth and bones are supposed to have healing powers. Sad. I should write to the World Wildlife Foundation and tell them that in order to save these great creatures, I'd be willing to adopt a Bornean Clouded cub and raise it as I would my own child. It would be safe in my care. Plus, it would have...additional uses.

G-Man: "Mr. Andrew Schnorr?"
Me: "Yes, that's my name."
G-Man: "I'm from the IRS. I wanted to ask you why you feel it's okay to not pay your taxes?"
Me: "You think you're funny, hot stuff?"
G-Man: "Mr. Schnorr, I'm afraid we're going to have to put you under arrest for tax evasion."
Me: "*Sigh*...Somehow I knew this day would come. I can't be cock of the walk forever. Well, before we get down to business, would you like to have some tea."
G-Man: "I see no harm in that."
Me: "Now, Sasha!"
Sasha: "Raawr!"
G-Man: "Aaargh!"
Me: "hehehehehahahahaHAHAHAHA!!!"

See, all their need is some government officials and some warm milk to keep their fangs strong and healthy.

(Original Article)