The Smell of Success

Me: "You know how tonight they're celebrating the Persian New Year?"
Co-Worker: "Yeah. Why?"
Me: "I'm tempted - really tempted - to go to dinner dressed as a Spartan."
Co-Worker: "I'm not sure how many people will get it."
Me: "Even if they don't, there's nothing wrong with a little esotericism now and then."
Co-Worker: "Do you even have a Spartan costume?"
Me: "Who needs a costume? All you need is a pair of underwear, a red cloth, and a six-pack. And I have two out of three."


And now onto our feature presentation...


Some of you may remember the story that male sweat arouses women's sexual drive. Yes, I realize that I am 42 days late in reporting this, but then, I guess it's a good thing I'm not a professional journalist.

Me: "And in our continuing coverage on Decision '08, it appears as though Dwayne Johnson is ahead in the exit polls. And now to Sarah with the weather."
Sarah: "Andrew, it's February 10th. President Hogan has been in office for 3 weeks now."
Me: ".....I...have to go now."

In case you're too lazy to click that link a paragraph back, I'll just run it down. Basically, there's a chemical in male sweat which, when sniffed, created several changes in (heterosexual) females, including improved mood, some physiological changes, and "significantly higher sexual arousal."

Why do I bring this up? Well sir, a thought occurred to me today, somewhat out of the blue:

What about the sweaty fat man?

I'm talking about those large, unpopular kids from high school, the John Goodmans and Wayne Knights who weren't blessed to be born with talent. Have you seen one try to climb a set of stairs? When I walk to campus, the armpits of my shirt always end up darker, but at least the sweat is relegated to that space. But the sweaty fat man, his entire shirt becomes three shades darker, covered in this salty aphrodisiac.

By scientific assumption, shouldn't a sweaty fat man have legions of chicks hanging onto his rolls of flab? Why, when the sweaty fat man exhaustedly enters into a class he rushed to in order to be on time, does he not make the women swoon? Why does the sweaty fat man never get a break?

I'll tell you why!

It's because the ladies are all looking the wrong way. Yes, they are looking away from the sweaty fat man when they become aroused from his odors. But with such a powerful pheromone, how can the sweaty fat man be ignored? It's all due to attractive males, or as I call them, "eye candy." I refer you to the following diagram:



As you can see, the following occurs:
-Female sees attractive male, and stares at him.
-Sweaty fat man enters, covered in arousing sweat.
-A slight breeze catches sweaty fat man stink and whisks it into female's nose.
-Female becomes sexually aroused.
-Female assumes that arousal stems from the appearance of the attractive male.
-Female declares love for attractive male, with all associated benefits.
-Sweaty fat man loses to eye candy. Again.

So, that's my theory. In conclusion, if you are a piece of eye candy, consider this: any woman who you've ever been associated with, you've usurped! If it wasn't for the sweaty fat man, you'd never get the ladies. You would just be another dry, womanless nobody. So give respect to the sweaty fat man, the true king of romance.


Number of times the term "sweaty fat man" was used in this post: 13.