An *Actual* (Slightly Paraphrased) Conversation Betwixt a Resident and I While Playing Medieval II: Total War

Me: "Uh, oh, the pope's getting pretty old."
Him: "I think he's going to die pretty soon."
Me: "Man, I liked this pope, too."
Him: "Well, let's take a look at the College of Cardinals, see who the Preferati are."
Me: "Dammit, there's a Dane as the front-runner!"
Him: "That doesn't mean he's going to be elected."
Me: "Do you see how pious he is? He's considered a living saint, even by his enemies!"
Him: "Well, if he's a sure bet, you should probably vote for him when the time comes."
Me: "I cannot have a Dane as the pope! Particularly when I'm trying to destroy Denmark."
Him: "Why are you trying to destroy Denmark again?"
Me: "Because after I married my princess to one of their generals, they attacked him without provocation!"
Him: "Wasn't that, like, a hundred years ago?"
Me: "No, more like fifty."
Him: "Wow, talk about holding a grudge. They attack you once, and you exterminate their civilization."
Me: "Hey, let's focus here. There's a man whose people I want to destroy who is going to become pope."
Him: "Right. Quite a conflict of interest. So, what are you going to do?"
Me: "I need to assassinate that Dane before the current pope dies."
Him: "So, how many Cardinals have you assassinated at this point?"
Me: "Like, eight or something."
Him: "And you're killing these innocent men so that you can be in charge of a religion?"
Me: "Hey, that's the way things work in this world. The pope is essentially the king of kings, so I need to make sure that the king of kings is a Spaniard."
Him: "Remember the last Spanish pope? He almost excommunicated you."
Me: "The last Spanish pope was a jerk."
Him: "And this one won't be why...?"
Me: "He may be, but there's still a greater chance of him liking me than a Dane."
Him: "Fine, go assassinate your Danish Cardinal."
Me: "Fine, I will. I have three assassins ready. And, watch!"
Him: "..."
Me: "...Damn! They won't be able to reach him for another year."
Him: "You better hope the pope holds on that long."
Me: "Well, we'll see."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit, the pope's dead!"
Him: "Must've been a bad year."
Me: "Dammit, they're having the papal elections! I'm a goner!"
Him: "Look, one of your Cardinals is up for election. You should vote for him; maybe you'll get lucky."
Me: "I'm not sure, but it's better than voting for the Dane."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit, the Dane won!"
Him: "He's apparently not going to forget your lack of faith."
Me: "In him or in the Church?"
Him: "Does it matter? The pope hates you. I think an excommunication is going to be in order soon."
Me: "Maybe..."
Him: "Then everyone's going to hate you. The Papal States, all the good Catholic nations...even your own people. It may even lead to revolution if it gets bad enough."
Me: ".........I need to kill the pope."
Him: "Make sure you don't get caught. If there's anything worse than not voting for the pope, it's trying to kill the pope."
Me: "I have the best assassins in the world at my disposal. If there's anyone who can assassinate the pope and get away with it, I can."
Him: "Go ahead and try. I think the pope is probably one of the hardest people to kill."
Me: "Oh, yeah? Let's see..."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit! The assassin failed. Flawless subterfuge, my ass!"
Him: "Well, the assassin must have had a tattoo of the Spanish flag or something, because the pope just declared war on you."
Me: "Dammit!"
Him: "And your popularity as a king has already started to decline. You know, since you tried to kill the Holy Father."
Me: "Alright, I need to rally my troops. We march on Rome!"
Him: "You do realize that won't gain you any favor points."
Me: "There's a frackin' crusade against me! It can't get any worse than this! Besides, I have my kings' personal legion in Bologna. I could attack before the year is out."
Him: "You're sending your king in to fight the Papal States?"
Me: "I want my king to deliver the final blow."
Him: "Okay...."
Me: "Alright, laying siege to Rome."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "Yes, I have them trapped in the middle of the city!"
Him: "You might want to hurry, there are some French troops entering from the west."
Me: "HA! Got him! Take that, you clog-wearing son-of-a-bitch!"
Him: "Well, now I guess your Spanish Cardinal is going to be pope now."
Me: "Hell yeah!"
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "...I love how the use of a brothel makes it so this game has a 'Sexual Themes' warning, but they don't make any mention of the potential for ruthless papicide."
Me: "That's America for you!"

And God Bless America, too! Happy Independence Day!