Because if There's Anything That Matters in Our Society, it's Rankings

On the social networking site Facebook, there's this application that allows you to "compare" yourself to your friends.

This works (to the best of my understanding): You install this application on your profile. You're then put into this database with all your friends. At that point, the program will then present you with 30 comparison questions. You'll be shown two of your friends, and it will say "Who is sexier?" or "Who makes a better sandwich?" or something to that effect. You then choose one of the two people. You can also skip the question if you don't feel you have any good input.

Now, it's quite an imperfect system. Oftentimes, I have to vote for people who I really can't compare, or people who I'm "friends" with, but I don't really know very well. Now, I personally end up clicking "Skip" most of the time, but I'll bet that a lot of people don't, and so I'm sure the results are skewed somewhat.

Regardless of that, the application still likes to let you know how you compare to your friends.

Like, a while ago, I got an email that said that "one or more people" thought that I had "better hair" than my old high school classmate Chris Ramirez. Why they would waste an email telling me this, I don't know.

But today, I got a second, more thorough email, which was nice enough to tell me my ranking amongst many friends.

Apparently my strengths (and the rankings associated with them) are:
#1 most generous
#20 best father (potential)
#21 most helpful

Hey, looka there! Number one on something! But of course, not everything about me is great, so let's take a look at some of my weaknesses:
#113 most reliable
#118 nicest

Now, personally, I think some of these are conflicting. For example, how can I be so generous, yet so not nice?

Apparently, I can sign in to see all of my rankings. I'd actually be interested in seeing them, for kicks, but unfortunately, every time I try to sign in, the page just says "Loading, Please Wait" and nothing ever loads.

Takeaway Point:
I would be a very good father, as I would be very willing to help my kids out with their homework, pinewood derby, etc., and I would be very generous in giving them 9and my wife) what they need. Actually, though, I'd only promise them these things, and fail to deliver (since I'm so unreliable). And when I did deliver, I'd be a real real bitch about it. I'm sure a family psychologist would have a field day with me.

...Oh, and I'd still have better hair than Chris Ramirez.